Struggling with trusting God

Sometimes I get so angry at God for not using His power to raise up my husband. I can't understand why He would allow a gifted evangelist's voice to be taken away. It comes down to trusting God that He is in control, He is wiser than me, and He sees the future. I want our marriage to glorify God but most of the time, I feel so lost in our marriage. I have absolutely no feedback about my actions or words to my husband. So I just blindly plunder on, trying to love him the best I can but never knowing if I'm hurting him.

Worn out

I am so worn out today. Tired of watching my beloved suffer so much, tired of asking God for mercy on my Beloved and not getting mercy, tired of lazy hospital staff, tired of not being able to do anything to comfort my beloved, tired of not being home with my beloved, tired of fighting spasticity all the time, just wanting so bad for this nightmare to be over.

Asking for More

I'd like to ask God for several specific things for healing my beloved: most of all his speech, control over his legs and arms and to heal his left eye.  I was encouraged in the middle of the night by remembering the story of Achsah in Judges 1.  When her father asked her what she wanted as a dowry, she replied that not only did she want the "south land", but she also wanted springs of water.  So Caleb gave her the "upper springs and the nether springs.  To me, springs of water speak of life, and since the Lord gave my beloved the "breath of life", I'm asking that he fill that life with satisfaction and the ability to glorify God with his mouth and body.

...ye have not, because ye ask not...For that ye ought to say, 
If the Lord will, we shall live, and do this, or that.  James 4:1,15

Love is Stronger than a Brain Injury

Last night was such a special time with my beloved.  He was so sweet...just kept wanting kisses and hugs. I had a conference to go to this weekend to keep up my continuing education units so missed seeing him for the most part 3 days in a row.  When I told him I had to go, he was making a lot of sounds and hugging me really hard.  He didn't want to let me go and I didn't want to go.  I can't wait until he is out of the wretched hospital and gets to come home with me!

Kisses Are the Dewdrops of Heaven

My beloved cooperated most excellently for the speech therapist this afternoon, answering all questions appropriately with a thumbs up or a pointed index finger...except for one.  He was asked if I was his friend.  He immediately gave a thumbs up.  He was asked if I was his wife.  He pointed his index finger, indicating, no I was not his wife.  I could be devastated, but instead I'm choosing to be happy because I am his friend, his best friend and he recognizes me as that and he sure does love those kisses! ;)

Deterred From Bithynia

Sometimes I struggle with the why's.  We were just married and ridiculously happy.  Why would God stop my beloved and I in what seemed to be service for Him?  We were reading our Bibles together, praying together, ministering together in a kid's outreach and then my beloved is suddenly put flat on his back from an incapacitating brain injury and I am by his side.  We are unable to attend church or continue serving in the kid's outreach.  What now, Lord?

What I read today in Streams in the Desert this morning seemed appropriate for my questions.

"When they came to the border of Mysia, they tried to enter Bithynia, but the 

Spirit of Jesus would not allow them to. Acts 16:7 (NIV)

What a strange thing for the Lord to prohibit, for they were going into Bithynia to do Christ's work! And the door was shut before them by Christ's own Spirit.

There have been times when I have experienced the same thing. Sometimes I have been interrupted in what seemed to be quite productive work.  And at times, opposition came and forced me to go back, or sickness came and forced me to rest in some isolated place.

During such times, it was difficult for me to leave my work unfinished when I believed it was service done in the power of His Spirit. But I finally remembered that the Spirit requires not only a service of work but also a service of waiting. I came to see that in the kingdom of Christ, there are not only times for action but times to refrain from action. And I also came to learn that a place of isolation is often the most useful place of all in this diverse world. Its harvest is more rich than the seasons when the corn and wine were the most abundant. So I have learned to thank the blessed Holy Spirit that many a beautiful Bithynia had to be left without a visit from me.

Dear Holy Spirit, my desire is still to be led by You. Nevertheless, my opportunities for usefulness seem to be disappointed, for today the door appears open into a life of service for You but tomorrow it closes before me just as I am about to enter. Teach me to see another door even in the midst of the inaction of this time. Help me to find, even in the area of service where You have closed a door, a new entrance into Your service. Inspire me with the knowledge that a person may sometimes be called to serve by doing nothing, by staying still, or by waiting. And when I remember the power of Your "gently whisper" (I Kings 19:12), I will not complain that sometimes the Spirit allows me not to go. George Matheson.

When I cannot understand my Father's leading,

And it seems to be but hard and cruel fate,

Still I hear that gentle whisper ever pleading,

God is working, God is faithful, ONLY WAIT."